Um...Paro

Sunday, April 30, 2006
The Rare Bird

I connected with someone beautiful, talented, passionate, creative, and divine. He has a wonderful soul and I am weeping because I feel so blessed to know such a conscious being. I had forgotten what it was like to connect with someone in such a way. Yet, he is not mine to have in a traditional relationship but I feel fortunate to have crossed paths with him. So fortunate.

And Topanga Canyon...we took a little walk up a hill to a breathtaking view. Did I mention the drive up the coast? It was all one magical experience. This is what my soul has been missing. I haven't smelled the earth, taken a deep breath, and looked at the sky in so long.

It was a bit of a shock when I drove back into Los Angeles. Eck. But on a positive note, I thought, "Well I at least have my own place on a tree-lined street. I have hardwood floors and no loud traffic noise to wake up to. I'll make it work."

Being in Topanga with R is making me strive for something more. I really see where I have have gone astray. Our running into eachother was all meant to be.

posted at 4/30/2006 by Amparo | (0) comments?

Thursday, April 27, 2006
Finally!

I found a place after crazily looking everyday. It was getting close to the deadline of when I said I'd be out and I was getting nervous. One day, before I left on my search, I lifted my hands in the air and said "deliver me to divine residence". I repeated this 4 times as I faced North, South, East, and West. I pictured what I wanted...really focused on it. Later, while driving to see a listed apartment, I drove by a "for rent" sign. Immediately I liked the vibe and the elderly landlord sitting outside the place waiting for visitors. It was a little small but it had everything I wanted: hardwood floors, sunlight, parking, laundry, back stoop, option to have a kitty, and it was in the neighborhood that I wanted. This was it. I filled out the application that day and I got it! Today the landlord gave me the keys, left tangerines from his yard on my kitchen counter, and said that he left a note with the other tenants in the building announcing my arrival.

Somehow, this week everything is fell into place. The dark spell that I was under has been broken and I know that I am my path again.

posted at 4/27/2006 by Amparo | (1) comments?

Monday, April 24, 2006
Friday Night

How wonderful it is to hear friends gush about you when they are coming up on E. It is almost a bit hard to take!
Thank you for being there and making me feel good. I am blessed.

posted at 4/24/2006 by Amparo | (0) comments?

Monday, April 10, 2006
A Quote on the Creative Being

For the truly creative mind in any field is no more than this- a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create- to create- to create- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of beauty and meaning his very breath is cut off from him. He must create. He must pour out creation. By some strange unknown pressing inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.
~Pearl S. Buck

posted at 4/10/2006 by Amparo | (1) comments?

Friday, April 07, 2006
Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
~Mary Oliver

posted at 4/07/2006 by Amparo | (0) comments?

Lessons

I learned to always follow my heart and to follow my gut instincts.

I learned that I cannot always get my way.

I learned that I must compromise more and that the more I give the more I will receive, but the giving must be given without any thought of return.

I learned to not let fear rule my actions and reactions. Fear can destroy happiness. Much of my "bad" words and actions were done out of fear.

I learned that my passions and responsibilities should never be forgotten. Because after the initial excitement, that emptiness will still be inside of me and I will look to my partner to fill it and he can never do that. Never forget what feeds your soul!

I learned that my partner has his own needs and I cannot force myself onto him. If I just let him grow, hibernate, be and do what he needs to do, he will be much happier. This in turn will make us happier when we are together.

I've learned that we all need our space and that is no reflection on how we feel about each other.

I've learned that I cannot force myself onto another person and to just let his feelings grow on his own timeline as long as it is within reason.

I've learned that just because someone thinks or does something differently than I do, it doesn't mean that he is bad or wrong.

posted at 4/07/2006 by Amparo | (0) comments?

Soon

Someday soon I'll paint, sing, and take photographs again. I have to.

posted at 4/07/2006 by Amparo | (0) comments?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Random Stuff

-So I cleaned out my entire studio. Photos will be posted soon. It is a great space and I'd like to share with everyone how I've been living...yet I have finally given my 30 day notice. I need a change, a new place to truly call my own. I am afraid of the transition yet so truly excited. I had moved to this building during a sad time in my life and it is time to change the energy. There are huge developments underway, no more stagnation. Oh so exciting!

-I am finally developing the friendships that I so need in this vast, lonely city of Los Angeles.

-Had a spur of the moment, random hangout time last night. Decided to see Peace Division at Monday Social which turned into an after party that lasted until almost 6 AM. Hung out with some interesting people which brought me back to the old days when I used to be ultra social and just be so spontaneous. Not something I'd want to do very often but it is a refreshing change. Lots of laughs and silliness.

-I don't know how to upload songs onto my server so I'll just post the lyrics to this uplifting Chemical Brothers song that has been inspiring me lately. It's called "The Test".

Ohhhh can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Yeah am I coming through
Am I coming through
Is it sweet and pure and true?

To looking back this morning
City air summer show me
I was looking like I'd never seen a face before
Here we go now let's slide in through the open door

Pictures and things that I done before
Circling around out here on the floor
I'm dreaming of this and I'm dreaming of that
Regretting nothing think about that

Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Yeah I'm shining
Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Lord I'm shining
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you

You know I almost lost my mind
I can't explain where I've been
You know I almost lost my mind
I can't explain where I've been
You know I almost lost my mind
I couldn't explain what I've seen
And I'm happy to have seen it too
Now that the images are fading away

Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Yeah I'm shining
Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Lord I'm shining
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you

You know I almost lost my mind
I can't explain where I've been
You know I almost lost my mind
I couldn't explain the things I'd seen
But now I think I see the light
Now I think I see the light
Lend me your hand (x5)

Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Yeah I'm shining
Seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons
Lord I'm shining
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you
Oh are you hearing me like I'm hearing you

You know I almost lost my mind
But now I'm home and I'm free
Did I pass the acid test? (x6)

Oh my my my mind
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
You better go defend now
Or you better go to bed now
(Am I coming through?)
(Am I coming through?)
My heart and my soul they are free
My heart and my soul they are free

You know I almost lost my mind
But now I'm home and I'm free
Did I pass the acid test? (x10)

Oh my my my my mind

posted at 4/04/2006 by Amparo | (0) comments?