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Thursday, March 30, 2006
Alex an old friend I got in touch with an old friend of mine. We were best friends 8th-10th grade before I moved away. We kept in touch for many years after that but just fell out without meaning to. We used to talk to each other every day, giggle, flirt with boys, walk home together, and go to the mall. Girly stuff. We were super best friends. I remember we used to even go to the public library together. We were into the Sweet Valley High series and other high school romance novels. One day at the library, we both had an epiphany at the same exact time. We looked at those books and said, "Blech, those are trashy, gossipy, dumb books and I don't want to read those anymore!" We slapped those books down and never looked back. Well, who knows, maybe she did, but I liked how we were always on the same page in life. (No pun intended!)
We are even leading almost paralell lives at the moment. When we talked to the phone, it was like no time had gone by. No awkwardness at all. So cool.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Smoking Clove Cigarettes I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take
a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to go through what I go through. I guess I should take Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new, Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would try to get you off my mind. I could leave this agony behind which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, but I don't want to get over you cause I don't want to get over love. I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist and not have to dream of what I dream of; I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough, or I could make a career of being blue--I could dress in black and read Camus, smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream but I don't want to get over you.- The Magnetic Fields from the 69 Love Songs Album
Monday, March 27, 2006
It Is Time That I take everything from his house. Free him of my energy. Free myself from those ties. At first it was because I thought that I would move somewhere else eventually and I would someday soon pick up the rest of my material posessions, but someday didn't come soon enough. In a few months it will have been a year since I left his cozy home by the ocean. I realize that besides the physical labor of it, it is going to be difficult for me in other ways too.
I had given my heart to someone else later on in that year, and later he gave it back to me. I'm sad and lonely and this is my journey. I have been reluctant to write about all of this because I didn't want to sound like such a downer, but this is where I am at. I started smoking again and drinking wine in the afternoon. I sleep a lot. I've been hibernating and I'm trying to wake up. I am slowly beginning to open my eyes. Slowly.
Friday, March 24, 2006
On Obsessing excerpt from "In Praise of Positive Obsessions" by Eric Maisel -
in Eric Maisel's Creativity Newsletter, #28, October, 2002. ericmaisel.com The common wisdom of therapy has it that obsessions are always bad things. As a feature of its namesake disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or as a feature of some other disorder, an obsession is a sign of trouble and a problem to be eliminated. But the main reason therapists find themselves obliged to consider obsessions invariably negative has to do with language: an obsession is invariably negative because clinicians have defined it as negative. Clinicians define "obsession" in the following way: an obsession is an intrusive thought, it is recurrent, it is unwanted, and it is inappropriate. Defined this way, it is obviously always unwelcome. But suppose a person is caught up thinking day and night about her current painting or about the direction she wants to take her art? Thoughts about painting "intrude" as she balances her checkbook or prepares her shopping list. She can hardly wait to get to her studio and her rhythms are more like Picasso's on painting jags than like the rhythms of a "normal" person. This artist is obsessed in an everyday sense of the word - and more than happy to be so! ... For a contemporary intelligent, sensitive person, it may well make more sense to opt for a life of positive obsessions that flow from personal choices about the meanings of life than to attempt to live a more modest and less satisfying normal-looking life that produces dissatisfaction and boredom. After all, no one can say how normal ought to be defined. In what sense is it normal to work at a job that constricts you and bores you rather than risking everything on a life that challenges you, even as it frustrates you? Much of what we call normal behavior is simply based on fear. Indeed, the average person might even prefer a negative obsession, despite its horrors, to a positive obsession rooted in excitement, passion, and active meaning-making, so wild and unafraid would he feel if he were obsessed that way.**
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Spring Yesterday, on the spring equinox, I went to the beach and burned a sheet of paper. Your name along with the intentions of letting go was written on it. It took a long time to burn because it was windy and I should've brought some lighter fluid. My thumb has a rash from repeatedly clicking the lighter. Finally, with lots of determination, the paper burned and the ashes scattered in the wind.
I miss you. Terribly. I wish we could have done things differently. I still think we could have, but it takes two to want to continue. So I'm trying to learn about my wrongs so I can do it right sometime, someday. Maybe not with you, but with someone. I wish that that there was someone to hold me and comfort me when I cry. Like when I was little. It is spring and time for a new start. I am going to clean up my studio which is full of clutter and chaos. It is a reflection of what has been in my heart but now I want clarity. I must follow my path which I have neglected for so long now. I had wandered off and sought happiness in all of the wrong places. It is only when I am skipping along my path will I be able to find true happiness and know how to appreciate, truly love and respect someone.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
How I Feel Click on the song "falling apart" when you get here
The Lovemakers are awesome!! And here are the lyrics: [CHORUS] Falling apart How come I don't love you but You're still breaking my heart Falling apart How come I don't love you but You're still breaking my heart Breaking my heart Obsessed Depressed Regardless I'm restless I'm going insane I've got to be with you Breathe into your lips I cry out your name Endless regrets All bets are off I'm going down the drain I tried to leave you this time You beat me to it again Rain falling down It hits the ground Where I watched you drive away and leave this town [CHORUS] Falling apart How come I don't love you but You're still breaking my heart Falling apart How come I don't love you but You're still breaking my heart Breaking my heart Hang up the phone Can't leave you alone You gave me all of the reasons you were leaving me If I'd only known Three weeks No sleep I'm feeling weak I know it's no use driving around Just hopin' you're out walking at the end of my street Rain falling down It hits the ground Where I watched you drive away and leave this town [CHORUS] Falling apart How come I don't love you but You're still breaking my heart Falling apart How come I don't love you but I'm still falling apart Falling apart How come I don't love you but You're still breaking my heart Breaking my heart (except maybe I fell for you a little bit-Amparo) |
About Amparo I live in Los Angeles and I love to photograph the world around me...(more) My Photography My Beach Portfolio at Photo Bistro The Happy Project (a participatory art project) Wishlist (I do love hearing from readers!)
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